MVP Sports Channel

Read & Recognition | An Open Letter From Mel Kiper, Jr’s Hair


Football fan,

Although I know you’ve seen me for several seasons now, we’ve never actually met.  Allow me to properly introduce myself.  I am Mel Kiper, Jr.’s Hair.  My friends call me “The Do”.

Perfectly combed by a small army of stylists, sprayed with enough hair product to eat a hole in the ozone the size of Jerry Jones’ ego and admired everywhere by those possessing the male pattern baldness gene, I’ve made a quarter century career making Mel look great on camera, year after year.  Do you really think you’d have watched this uptight former football scout, unknown to the free world without me?

If I say so myself, I’ve done a great job, too.  Audiences were so enamored and distracted by me allowing Mel to slip into the mainstream of media as an analyst for ESPN and not a single person (out loud) asked, “Who is this guy?” with the exception of former Colts exec and GM, Bill Tobin.  Mel referred to the 1994 Colts organization as “the laughingstock of the league year-in and year-out” as he blasted the Colts for not taking the “franchise quarterback”, Trent Dilfer, with the fifth overall pick of the draft to replace a struggling Jim Harbaugh.  Tobin responded with, “Who the hell is Mel Kiper?!”

Now 25 years later, King Kiper is the primary reason a record setting 39.6 million people watched the NFL sort through college players like Alice sorted through the Brady family’s dirty laundry.  Most certainly there was a lot to sift through and not every item wound up where it truly belonged causing a catastrophic meltdown for Mike, Carol and the Brady kids.

Little has changed since that sitcom was big in the 70’s, much like myself.  Some things are just classic.  Don’t mess with what works.

Mel

Stop looking at my hair!

Almost single-handed, Mel (with my help) has transformed a process that in 1936 was done on a chalk board in a hotel meeting room, into an exciting 3-day event worth millions of dollars in ad revenue for the league.  Sure there’s other names with opinions like Mike Mayock and Todd McShay, but they are Johnny Come Latelys.  These guys thought the Brady Bunch was the 2007 Patriot offense.  Whippersnappers!

With all of the facts about first round draft picks’ choice of breakfast cereals, third- rounders’ astrological signs and seventh round picks previous middle school 40- yard dash times spewing out of his mouth, Mel never lets me get a word in edge wise.  So I’m forced to write this open letter to you.

Thank you for tuning into through the years under the pretense you’re THAT interested in knowing about hundreds of perspective NFL players of which you’ve never heard.  The only reason any sane individual would do that much homework without a college term paper due, is to merely have the ability to second guess all 32 general managers in the league.  These are the coat & tie guys who are paid more than the sum of the national debt of a small country doing the same job, but don’t look nearly as good doing it.

All along I’ve known it was a love affair with me, The Do.  Well, most of you anyway.  You’ll find it hard to believe, but there are those of you who are haters.  It’s nothing but pure jealousy!  Eat your heart out, Trent Dilfer.

With the most recent draft behind us, it’s time for Mel and me to be shelved for another season like last year’s game tapes, except for the obligatory grading of the 32 teams.  We won’t see much of each other until ESPN rolls us out next season, but thank Clairol!!! The long hours under the lights are over.

We’ll ride along in the wake of the draft gone by, much to the delight of second- guessing fans who had their DVR working overtime last weekend.  Apparently they run personnel departments for NFL teams in their fantasies and need answers immediately.

Really?  Teams need graded just days after the draft?!  Marks should only be given 10 years afterward to see how players panned out, in my humble opinion.  Yet, you want answers in three days?!  It takes longer for me get a good deep rinse conditioning after being under the hot lights for 3 days!  It’s all about taking care of the roots, Baby!

Year after year, you return to see me… and Mel.  No matter what, between you and me, it’s still the same NFL.  Even I’ve been around long enough to know year after year, the Seahawks still suck, the Raiders will be marginal at best, the Bengals will find a way to screw it all up and Jacksonville will be… calling U-Haul very soon.

Sure, there’s a surprise team occasionally.  See ’08 Arizona Cardinals.  But for the most part it’s the same old story.  The rich get richer and the poor …are in Buffalo.

Don’t be fooled.  The anticipation that something WILL change is all too alluring to NFL faithful.  But you can count on some things staying the same for the 2013 NFL Draft.  Mel Kiper, Jr. will have much to say about 253-or-so players, the NFL will be more popular next year than ever before …and I’ll look just as good as ever.

In the famous words of Bill Tobin, “Who the hell is Mel Kiper?!”  The answer is “Nobody without me!  He’s nobody!”

Signed,

 

“The Do”,

Mel Kiper, Jr.’s Hair

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